To Sleep
by Olddaydreams
Summary: "To be, or not to be-that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep…" -'Hamlet' by William Shakespeare Please review! :D (I don't own the cover)


**Warnings: Mentions of suicidal thoughts and actions, self-hate.**

 **Disclaimer: Olddaydreams does not own Blue Exorcist or Hamlet**

To Sleep

 _"_ _To be, or not to be-that is the question:_

 _Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer_

 _The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune_

 _And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep…"_

 _-'Hamlet' by William Shakespeare_

I don't think this is normal, the way I am able to think about my own life so objectively, almost as if it isn't my life at all. Like how, objectively, the world would be a better place if I'd never been born. It's not an opinion it's a fact, one that I accepted a long time ago. Just think about it, if I'd never been born Shiro would be alive, Yukio wouldn't worry so much, I would have never endangered anyone with my flames, not to mention all the people I've hurt because I couldn't control my temper.

I have also accepted the fact that I was born and I can't take back all the things that happened as a result. The real question is if the world be better off if I died now? It depends on who you ask but I know there would be more 'yes's than 'no's. It's common sense; I am the son of Satan. What sane person would want the son of Satan to live? Personally though, I'm not sure. No matter which answer I choose I always feel like it's an excuse. If it's yes, I'm just saying it because I'm a coward who is too weak to face life but if it's no it's just because I'm scared of dying. But, the truth is, I'm not. I would gladly give up my live to save the lives of others and have nearly done so on several occasions.

That leads me to another question, if it isn't fear causing my indecision, what is? The general consensus of the world is that I should go and find a good hole to die in. So, what's stopping me? Maybe because I still have, just barely, enough of that hope that the rest of the world is wrong to keep me going. It's stupid, isn't it? I've already admitted to myself that the world would be better if I'd never been born. So logically dying would stop me from causing any more destruction. For some reason, I'm not really sure. Why doesn't this make any sense? Why don't I make any sense? ...Why do there have to be so many stupid questions I can't answer?

Pushing my unwanted thoughts to the side, I glance up at the clock. There are only a few minutes left of class and the teacher is still lecturing like they have all the time in world. I bet they're going to make us stay after class until they finish. I hate it when teachers do that; it's not the class's fault that they couldn't manage their time properly. I look back up at the clock, there's less then two minutes left now.

 _"…_ _No more-and by a sleep to say we end_

 _The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks_

 _That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation_

 _Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep—"_

The bell rings jerking me from my thoughts. The class starts shoving their stuff in their backpacks and are about to rush out the door but not me. No, I want to delay leaving this room for as long as possible. Why? Because leaving here means that I have to go to training with Shura and those stupid fucking candles. Yeah, it's partially because light two candles at the _same exact time_ is pretty much impossible but more than anything it's because it's a constant reminder of what happened. I revealed my true identity, I acted like a monster, and now all my friends hate me. It shouldn't bother me as much as it does I never had any friends before this so it shouldn't hurt so much to go back to what used to be normal. Despite that, it does bother me. It hurts so much that the only friends that I've ever had now hate me.

I finish packing up my stuff and head out the door.

 _"…_ _The insolence of office, and the spurns_

 _That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,_

 _When he himself might his quietus make_

 _With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,_

 _To grunt and sweat under a weary life,_

 _But that the dread of something after death…"_

The walk to the training area is a blur.

I mumble a greeting to as Shura I walk through the door before making my way to those stupid fuking candles. The strange fog that's been to clinging to me all has yet to lift making it nearly impossible to focus and Shura's definitely noticed. I can tell by the um… _concerned_ , glances she keeps giving me when she thinks I'm not looking. It's weird and I definitely don't like it. Damn it! Of all people to notice this why does it have to be her? I don't need her to give me a hard time right now.

Regardless Shura ends up excusing me from my training early. According to her, I'm useless when I can't focus. That's wrong though; I'm always useless.

 _"…_ _The undiscovered country, from whose bourn_

 _No traveller returns, puzzles the will,_

 _And makes us rather bear those ills we have_

 _Than fly to others that we know not of?_

 _Thus conscience does make cowards of us all…"_

As I walk back to the abandoned dorms, my thoughts wander to suicide, or more specifically the method of death. I've though about it a few times before and I've always come to the conclusion that an over dose would be the best method. I would heal too quickly if I tried to slit my wrists or use most other methods of suicide and the normal methods of killing a demon wouldn't work well enough either, sense I'm half human. Besides, an overdose would be the… cleanest; that way no one would have to clean up the mess and I wouldn't burden them even in death.

But of course there's the fact that, even if I never admit it, I'm a coward. Yup, the _oh so vicious_ son of Satan is, in fact, nothing but a coward, because even on those sad, lonely days when I'm on the verge of just saying screw it all and taking my own life it's my own fear of death that stops me. I know I said I'm not afraid of dying, but that's a lie, one that I tell myself everyday so that I don't have to face the fact that I am nothing but a no good coward. Unless, of course it's during on of the moments like these were I get lost in my inner depths of my mind and there's nowhere left to hide. It's times like these that make me wonder what will happen to me when I die? Will I be condemned for being part demon and sent to Gehenna? Probably.

 _"…_ _And thus the native hue of resolution_

 _Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,_

 _And enterprise of great pitch and moment_

 _With this regard their currents turn awry_

 _And lose the name of action…"_

I open the door to my room and shuffle through my drawers until my hands feel the familiar shape of the bottle of sleeping pills. Originally, I'd gotten them to keep me from waking Yukoi with my nightmares that haunted me ever sense Dad's death. I never used them much though; I figured that I deserved to be haunted by the guilt of causing my own father's death.

I twisted off the cap and poured the battle's condense in my hand. It was more than enough to be lethal for a normal human but I had honestly no idea if it would be enough for someone like me.

The next few moments I spent in a silent inner debate. In all honestly, I knew that it was pointless. It would end the same as it always does, with me putting the pills back in the bottle and doing my best to, despite my guilt, feign normality to the analytical eyes of my brother.

 _"…_ _Be all my sins remembered."_

 **A.N.: I'll keep this short and sweet. This was inspired partially by a when a kid decided to memorize this monologue for my drama class and more loosely based some personal experiences. Either way, I've been working on this for a long time and I'm really glad that I got around to finishing it. Please review and I hope you enjoyed. ;D**


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